It’s been almost 10 years, but I remember vividly.
I am sitting in a room full of people dressed in white. I myself am dressed in white. There is music, people are dancing. I hear the sounds of the scene, but as if from a distance. Within me is space, peace. A silent joy. Every now and then a thought drifts by.
Rest, this is rest.
Tears of gratitude wet my eyes at the appearance of that word: rest. For years, rest has been the single thing I would long for, my plead sometimes to friends, a therapist: all I want is rest. Let the thinking mind ease, the tension release for a moment – all I want is rest.
My search for rest, along with an irresistable pull towards the mystical, had by then led me to explorations of life and consciousness through meditation and the use of psychedelics. It was during an Ayahuasca ceremony, after having faced my deepest fears and shadows, that I experienced this kind of peace for the first time.
These paths (and a couple more, breathwork among them) have shifted my sense of who I am and what I am here for. They have taken me beyond the thinking mind, where fear cannot live, and infused my daily life with a sense of happiness, love and surrender.
‘Russst… russst…‘, still now I can feel the flow of air between my lips as I whisper the words, sitting, gently rocking, embracing myself, a smile on my face. The rest that I had been looking for turned out to be my very nature, the peaceful quiet beneath everything else.
I was home.