[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fusion_text]I wrote this post speaking from my own personal experiences with addiction and from those of others who have been open enough to share their stories with me.[/fusion_text]
[fusion_text]If you are reading this, and you regard yourself as addicted to some substance or behavior or you worry about your attachment to some thing, some one or some state, let me first tell you this:
You have no idea how powerful you are.
Power to you
I’m not talking willpower-powerful here. That’s a shallow kind of powerful. I am talking the kind of powerful that people find in themselves when they are deeply inspired with love or close to dying and ready to give up everything.
Truth is, most people have no idea how powerful they truly are. And many will never find out until their dying day, only because nothing important enough shows up in their life. Imagine what a humongous shame that is! Therefore, here’s something else:
Your addiction may be one of the greatest gifts you will ever receive.
For if and when you transcend your addiction, you will find the biggest freedom imaginable.
Endless flow
Stop and feel for a moment. At this point, is your heart beating faster with recognition? Is at least a tiny something inside brimming with energy, because you thought this was going to be about all the things you are doing wrong and in stead you get this beautiful present? Yes? Awesome. You are aware of the endless flow that moves each of us. If you get a glimpse of the magic of this and value it highly enough, you will be hungry for more. This is from where you will cure your addiction. It’s not the only way, but it is by far the easiest. I know, because i have been there myself.
What’s in the way
Quite possibly however, your head is still telling you that you are not worthy or too weak to be considered powerful. That you have created too big a mess, that you may be too fucked up inside, that you have disappointed your loved ones once too many, pushed your limits too far and let yourself down in too many ways to believe that you are truly carrying a gift. It’s ok.This is the part where you get to see in relentless close-up the very thing that is in the way between you and freedom. See it for what it is, and it will transform.
But first, a short explanation about addiction:[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_2″ last=”no” spacing=”yes” center_content=”no” hide_on_mobile=”no” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” background_position=”left top” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_position=”all” border_size=”0px” border_color=”” border_style=”” padding=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”” animation_speed=”0.1″ animation_offset=”” class=”” id=””][fusion_text]
“Wise beings do not want to remain a slave to the fear of pain. They permit the world to be what it is instead of being afraid of it.”
Here’s how i understand addiction: it is a pattern which grows from the deep longing to be relieved of pain. This pain may be a simple physical or emotional discomfort, but more often than not is caused by deeply rooted inner beliefs about what’s wrong with us and how we can not handle reality.[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fusion_text]Later on, when our system has gotten used to the substance or experience (coffee, relationship, cigarettes, heroin, alcohol, shopping, chocolate, gambling, starving, name yours), withdrawal symptoms may come up and be an added cause of pain or discomfort all by themselves.[/fusion_text][fusion_text]The pattern becomes one of compulsive behavior: we do it more often and more strongly than is healthy or desirable and we can not moderate it anymore.
By then, we either abandon ourselves and give up trying to change our behavior, or we start making promises to ourselves and our loved ones, then breaking those promises over and over because we still fear the feelings of pain and discomfort that inevitably come up: our deepest feelings of inadequacy.
Protecting the fortress
The addiction becomes our fortress, seemingly protecting us and at the same time cutting us of from the greater flow of life. Even so, we will protect it using all the means we can find. Here are a few examples of ways in which we protect the fortress. They may appear in your life very subtly or painfully unescapable:
finding excuses,
hiding our traces,
seeking companions (“friends” whom we are actually abusing so that we can be ok with sabotaging ourselves just a little bit longer),
feeling guilty (but not acting on it),
saying sorry (but knowing deep inside that the addiction still has our balls),
blaming others or circumstances for our tendencies,
faking just enough openness to be left alone (but hiding the part where we actually think we’re crossing the line),
feeling ashamed (and going for another round of whatever calms our voices of self hatred),
making promises (and then, with everybody calmed down, leaving it there).
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Healing addiction: the way out is in
Curing your addiction may seem very hard but if you trust the process enough, it will turn out to be the most ecstatic gift you can give yourself (read on to see how self love and trust will support your process). The gift is freedom. And the way out of suffering, is in.[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_2″ last=”no” spacing=”yes” center_content=”no” hide_on_mobile=”no” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” background_position=”left top” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_position=”all” border_size=”0px” border_color=”” border_style=”” padding=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”” animation_speed=”0.1″ animation_offset=”” class=”” id=””][fusion_text]So here’s what you need to do: quit your addictive behavior (whether it be smoking, drinking, fasting, cleaning or controlling everything) for some time. If you think you can’t, just imagine yourself quitting and see what happens: fear will arise. Resistance. Despair. Monkey-mind. Now look: what is making you feel so uneasy? Ask yourself: what’s so bad about this? Why does this hurt so much?[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_2″ last=”yes” spacing=”yes” center_content=”no” hide_on_mobile=”no” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” background_position=”left top” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_position=”all” border_size=”0px” border_color=”” border_style=”” padding=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”” animation_speed=”0.1″ animation_offset=”” class=”” id=””][fusion_text]
“We are constantly trying to hold it all together. If you really want to see why you do things, then don’t do them and see what happens.”
Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul
[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fusion_text]Many people end up finding a deep and hurtful inner conviction that they have picked up in your lifetime, probably at an early age already, such as this: I am worthless. I am a loser. I am not good enough. I am a burden. I am dumb. I am hopeless. I am weak.
It’s these beliefs that keep you from being a supporting friend to yourself, someone you love, someone you can trust.[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_2″ last=”no” spacing=”yes” center_content=”no” hide_on_mobile=”no” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” background_position=”left top” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_position=”all” border_size=”0px” border_color=”” border_style=”” padding=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”” animation_speed=”0.1″ animation_offset=”” class=”” id=””][fusion_text]
“At any moment you can feel frustration, anger, fear, jealousy, insecurity or embarrassment. If you watch you will see the heart is trying to push it all away. If you want to be free you have to learn to stop fighting all these human feelings.”
Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul
[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_2″ last=”yes” spacing=”yes” center_content=”no” hide_on_mobile=”no” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” background_position=”left top” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_position=”all” border_size=”0px” border_color=”” border_style=”” padding=”” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”” animation_speed=”0.1″ animation_offset=”” class=”” id=””][fusion_text]Until you stop running from these beliefs (thought patterns), until you stop fighting your human feelings, their voices will sound louder and louder. Shutting them up will require more and more effort. Your doses of whatever will need to be higher and higher.
Your drinking, smoking or sex addiction will have you feeling worse about yourself than ever before, and people around you will start to express worries about you or reject your presence.[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][fusion_text]Thus, you are confirming your own beliefs: i am weak, i am a loser, i am a burden. And, possibly: people don’t understand me. The world is against me.
You will not see this spiral and its effects in full clarity until you step out of it. And stepping out of it seems hard, because you are so involved! Naturally, you believe what you are seeing: you are weak. Where on Earth would you find the strength to quit the thing that is easing the pain for you?
This is where self love and trust come in. Be prepared to give up control of your fortress and start talking to (who you think is) the enemy.[/fusion_text][fusion_text]
Stay present
In stead of moving away, go exactly where it hurts the most. Watch and listen carefully.
You will start meeting a part of your psyche that longs to be seen, actually, recognized, finally, for its needs. Listen and deep inside you will find a voice that desperately wants to be heard. Be with it, lovingly, and let its energy be expressed. Let it rage, tremble, kick, cry out. Share, if possible, with someone who is willing to listen without judgment. It’s not you, it’s a voice. It just wants to be heard.
If you manage to do this, you have found the place in you from where you can heal. This is the place in you that you can trust. And so can others, as they will start to see in due time. This is from where you allow space for anything to come up, for old stories to emerge, for old wounds to heal. Anything can exist in this space, even the harshest judgments you hold about yourself.[/fusion_text][fusion_text]
Self love
Do you love yourself?
It’s an awesome feeling if you can look in the mirror and truly find your closest friend looking back at you, smiling a knowing and supportive smile. Does your mirror show a true friend?
Sadly, your answer may very well be “no” or “i don’t know”. Do you feel how sad this is? Then feel the sadness, explore it for a bit. And notice: whoever is feeling sad, must care at least a little bit about your wellbeing, right?
When healing your addiction, feeling love for yourself will be essential. If you don’t feel it, this is the first thing you need to work on. Be prepared to see the darkest parts of you and still in your heart put a loving arm around yourself. Ask people to support you when you can not do it on your own.[/fusion_text][fusion_text]
Trust
Do you trust yourself?
If you are addicted (or worried about your use or attachments) you can’t really trust your own behavior, can you? After all, you will make promises and break them. You may lie and steal to fulfill your needs. You may set your goals and then change your mind, over and over. You will place the blame outside of yourself. You may manipulate people into doing or believing what you want them to.
You simply can not trust this part of you that believes it is (being) limited and in need of stuff, a shot, a partner. Behavioral patterns (including thoughts and emotions) are strong. They are strengthened with repetition and you have given them lots and lots of food over the course of your addicted lifetime. These thoughts and behaviors wake up easily. In my personal experience, the voices of addiction can not be trusted. Especially when making promises or finding excuses.
But here’s the good news: even if you can not trust your personal thoughts, wishes and behavior in any given moment, there is a force that is far greater than you which is worth every ounce of trust. When this force starts living through you, it ignites infinite power in you. It will reveal itself when you start trusting it.
So: YES, I trust you. I trust your infinite potential, your drive towards freedom, your connection into the source of all being, which is pure life force power. I trust your strength, which is boundless, and i trust your ability to break your own chains.
And so should you.[/fusion_text][fusion_text]
Love yourself. Trust that your thoughts are random and that life force energy, the very power that keeps you breathing and alive, will inspire you and win over any disabling beliefs… if you let it.
Ask for help from people who will support you in holding your commitment to yourself and who will not judge when you slip. If possible, find a buddy you can call at any time. Agree on the kind of support you give each other.
Ditch your addicted friends (at least temporarily) if they are not ready to join you in giving up this behavior. They may be great people (they are!), but their behavior is toxic to you.
Surround yourself with healthy, happy people.
Have a plan. Know what you will do when a craving and compulsive thoughts kick in. This is where you take charge over the ‘old’, conditioned you who is still addicted. Call your buddy, go for a run (don’t bring money), drink a glass of water, make a painting, do household stuff, meditate, Skype mom.
Go for a walk at least once a day. If you can, get a dog. It will give you exercise and an uncomplicated loving relationship.
Be patient with the people closest to you. Don’t be discouraged when they are not ready to trust again. This is your process and it will take as long as it needs. Same goes for them.
Big one: Open up about your process. It will give you clarity and you will be amazed to hear how many people are also struggling with addiction. It’s an amazing experience to go from feeling like a failure to seeing how your experience can help and inspire others.
These are just a few tips. If you have more, please share!
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I wrote this post speaking from my own personal experiences with addiction and from those of others who have been open enough to share their stories with me.
Do you have the tiniest inclination to make a change in the way you spend your days? Then watch this video on creating Tiny Habits. It may change your life.
For all the times you tried to incorporate something into your lifestyle and gave up after a few tries or even only one… this is the thing that truly makes a difference.
Here’s how it works: in stead of using willpower, which costs you a lot of energy and is far less effective, you can set tiny goals and make yourself successful at them time and time again.
You’ll start liking your new behavior, feel great about yourself and, out of enthusiasm (as opposed to willpower) naturally extend your new tiny habit into a Big one.
After i stand up from my chair, i pick up 1 thing to clean.
After i send an email, i take 1 minute to watch my breath.
After i get up in the morning, i light 1 candle.
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What’s this thing about pee you mentioned?
Using the Tiny Habits method, you will hook your new behavior into your day by anchoring it to something you do anyway. My favorite trigger has always been peeing: “after i pee, i will…”.
I love having a strong belly. It makes me feel grounded and full of energy and inner strength. To strengthen my belly, i want to do daily situps. I choose an amount of situps that (to me) is ridiculously low, so i will have no excuse to skip. So i picked up this tiny habit:
[/fusion_builder_column] Each time i pee, i will do 20 situps.
I started only two days ago, i already did about 8 or 10 times 20 situps and i feel great about it!
Btw, i know that to many, 20 situps is not ‘tiny’ but rather a lot. So whatever you consider tiny is personal. If i would do pushups, i would probably start with 3. The trick is to set your goal to an amount that is something you can not NOT do because there is just no excuse. It may sound silly but this is the way it works.
How does it work?
Tiny Habits is a great method to introduce new habits in your lifestyle in a fun and super-sustainable way.
I have been using it often to get started with wholesome habits in my life such as drinking lemon juice every morning, sprouting my own beans, exercising daily and tidying my home.
Here are the steps according to B.J. Fogg, the creator of Tiny Habits:
Step 1: Get specific
What behavior do you want?
Translate target outcomes and goals into behaviors.
And be specific.
Step 2: Make it easy
How can you make the behavior easy to do?
Simplicity changes behavior.
Step 3: Trigger the behavior
What will prompt the behavior?
Some triggers are natural. Others you must design.
No behavior happens w/o a trigger.
Just watch the video, then all of the above will make even more sense. Or ask your question in the comments, i will do my best to answer from my own experience and insight.
If you want to know more and get automated email guidance by B.J. Fogg, the creator of Tiny Habits, check out this site: http://tinyhabits.com/ (new window).[/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
There was a time in my life when i used to go to work every morning, crying and in despair.
I did not want to be in this job anymore, but out of fear i didn’t allow these feelings to move me into action. What i feared was the sense of failure. And i didn’t know where to find my way out. I was exhausting myself by moving away from the truth that was shouting to my face, because i was afraid to face it.
I was naming all the good things about this job, pushing myself to believe them and push away the feelings of despair that existed deep within.
Eventually, the decision was made for me. I had exhausted myself enough to be burned out, sick, unable to work for months.
Embrace resistance
Do you know this feeling when you’re ‘supposed’ to do something, but you don’t feel like doing it at all? It may be as simple as doing the dishes, or taking your kids from school. Or it may be as deeply rooted as being with your partner or taking care of your kids… or even living your life altogether.
Here is one thing that i found incredibly helpful in dealing with the stuff in our lives that we would rather NOT have there:
Embrace your resistance.
Among other things, embracing your resistance will help you:
1. Get things done anyway
2. Show you what you truly value
3. Change anything you want
How does that work?
So embracing is the opposite of resisting, right? Suppose i feel great resistance in finishing a task, such as finishing my ebook.
As long as i resist my resistance, it has a piece of me. I am slave to the experience of resisting. I may hate the task, think badly of myself, get angry at the circumstances that put me here or just close off my feelings altogether, finding excuses to make it all seem right while deep inside, it doesn’t feel alright.
All these things can come from resisting resistance (or any experience):
Procrastination (putting off till tomorrow), shame, self-hatred, guilty feelings, loss or uncontrollable increase of sexual drive, loss of energy, physical ailments, loss of creativity, addiction, irritability, thrill-seeking, exhaustion, aggression, apathy, depression… and much, much more.
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Maybe i have even found a spiritual path that helps me to move away from what is going on inside. It may look like ‘noting, knowing, letting go’ as is taught in Vipassana meditation, for example, but actually be my ‘advanced’ way of moving away from my experience.
Or my spiritual practice may tell me i need to open up all my chakras, one by one, and only then i will be free. Until then, i am not enough, more work needs to be done and my suffering continues.
Sadly, where i am now, i see this happening all the time.
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This is why i propose to embrace whatever IS in this very moment. Especially if it looks ugly. When i consciously embrace, it’s like shouting a cosmic YES. In daily life, it may sound like this:
“YES, I really deeply wish i wouldn’t need to finish this project right now. I just want to curl up on the couch.”
“YES, i really f*cking hate having to do this right now!”
“YES, i don’t like meeting this person at ALL.”
Can you feel the difference?
Embracing any thoughts and feelings of resistance will help you rise beyond. You will see that acknowledging whatever is, opens up space immediately. I have seen people burst out in deep unstoppable laughter of relief just because they could finally allow what was here all the time into the fullness of their experience.
This one who is aware of the experience, is free.
(If you still believe you are not free, look deeper until you find the place where you are. People come to realize this Freedom in prison and during the holocaust.)
Embracing resistance to whatever is, will help you…
1. Get things done anyway
Some things just need doing. We all live in a human body that needs to be taken care of. We may have children under our guidance and we may have made commitments to people and causes.
Maybe you fear that once you acknowledge these feelings of resistance, you will not do your obligations anymore. But realize this; you are setting yourself free. From this Freedom, truth and insight arises. You will finally be free to say:
YES i hate doing this AND i will still do it because i love my kids and this is the commitment i made and CHOOSE to hold.
We are free to feel resistance and choose to get things done anyway. We may feel uncomfortable, it may be unpleasurable, but because we are aware of the fullness of our experience and everything in it, we are ALL THE MORE free to go ahead and sort our stuff.
2. Show you what you truly value
Because we are no longer closing off, our experience is full. In full, open awareness, our deepest longings and truths will reveal themselves.
Your resistance is telling you something. It may just be telling you that you don’t like something. That’s fine, no biggie! Outsource it next time or choose to just do this thing you don’t like and be happy about it.
Or… it may be your heart speaking to you that you are not living in truth. Maybe you no longer wish to work for this employer. Maybe your relationship needs an honest meeting in truth. Maybe you need help in caring for your kids, to free up space for your own creative expression.
Embracing your resistance will open you up to the full experience of being You and from there, your answers will effortlessly bubble up.
3. Change anything you want
If you wanted to change the weather, you probably couldn’t. But you can be happy and in flow regardless. You are Free. And from this freedom, you can always ask yourself: what is my next step?
Is it to drop into being to listen to your inner voice, or to step into action? Do what needs to be done, and find your Freedom inside. This will change everything. Start practicing this and you will find that wherever you walk, the ground will come up to meet you. Go check for yourself; for this knowing has to come from your own experience.
And please… if you wish, share your experiences. I’d be very happy to hear them!
I write more on this in my ebook. You can download it by clicking the link and leaving your name and email.[/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
In my previous post, i wrote how working in countries like Thailand may inspire an even better work life balance for digital nomads. I spend lots of time behind the computer and love to counter that with lots of time playing around, swimming and dancing and practicing yoga. That’s one of the reasons for moving to a tropical island. Here’s another one, and it’s a biggie: finances.
Financial balance
A big motivator for being in Thailand, is money. I have some serious debts to deal with and living in and working from Thailand (waaaaay cheaper than Holland) is helping me clean my old mess and maintain a healthy balance, also financially.
Money is energy
In fact, I have only quite recently come to the realization that money in itself is just innocent energy and it is ME who has been putting all kinds of labels on it such as ‘bad’, ‘dirty’, ‘guilty’, ‘difficult’, you name them, and i’ve been getting myself into trouble because of these convictions about money. I have behaved with money as i perceived the very thing i was dealing with.
The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Experience the happiness of undoing those thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its true, awakened, peaceful, creative nature.
Everything you need in order to do The Work is available free on the website >.
Real problem?
To be honest, this is the one thing that i actually perceive as a real problem sometimes. The mechanism used to be, to turn away from it. Don’t want to see the bills, don’t want to face myself hiding them. Now, it is my practice to calm my mind which is until then full of fear and feel the love and lightness that are also present. And then i open the envelope and deal with whatever is inside.
Opening envelopes connecting to love and lightness inside? This may sound weird to you if you have no problem dealing with money (or avoiding to do so). Or it may sound wishy-washy if you’re not into the whole spiritual thing. But truly, it is my experience that wherever i created trouble in my life, the cause was in a false conviction, held by me, about the thing i was dealing with. As soon as i willfully (and, more and more, automatically) stop believing my thoughts, i become more open, more relaxed, and more prone to taking the right action.
The Work
What is helping me loads is The Work by Byron Katie. I’ll probably post more on her later. For now, i’ll just say that her sequence of questions and especially the final turnaround helps me see how by holding these beliefs about money i was (and truthfully, often still am) actually limiting myself bigtime.
Step back and See
Finally lifting the veil of false convictions and unlearning them, makes available all the space and strength and resources we need to deal with anything. True freedom and the power to make miracles happen, reside in every vessel of us. Surrender to this truth and you will be alive like never before.
Surrendering to a truth? What does that MEAN?! Why don’t i just say: ‘understand this, and…’, or ‘agree with this, and…’? I’ll explain soon, the article is in the making. One hint: it has to do with letting go of mind-made beliefs.
What comes from this? For me: the courage to face up to my own shit, determination to keep on calling and writing letters where needed, the good sense to call my bookkeeper and ask friends for support in getting everything sorted, the inspired productivity to develop and sell awesome, meaningful products and services and pay what needs to be paid.
That’s in my case, until now. Your case and the solutions you come up with, may be different. Also, let me tell you: creating new patterns requires effort and loving dedication. I still need help and friendly reminders to stay on track.
One more perk
What also comes from lifting the veil and opening up to all possibilities? That i get to write this confession to you from Thailand, where i spend my days in joyous love with my dearest: Marco.* He supports me and has supported me through many years of intense pleasure, times of hardship and neverending connectedness. Together we came here not just because this is paradise, but also because being in paradise helps us to deal with our shit. I feel eternally grateful to have Marco as a buddy and a lover to share ideas with, moments of inspiration as well as despair, and i just know we’ll make it. Bigtime.
When you are dancing, how do you feel? Do you feel open, relaxed, radiant, strong, playful, in flow…? Or do you rather feel uneasy, insecure, comparing yourself to others? Maybe you only dance when you’ve had alcohol, because otherwise you feel too shy or incapable?
Until i was 29, and already beyond my ‘disco’ years, dancing wasn’t much fun to me. Until i first drank Ayahuasca, a little over three years ago. This was the awakening of my inner dancer.
Ayahuasca is a medicine for the soul. It’s a concoction of at least two different plants and has been used by shamans over centuries to connect with the divine.
When used in a ceremonial setting, Ayahuasca helps relieve people’s inner barriers and creates space for spiritual development. Deep personal insights, letting go of traumas, and increased feelings of connectedness and wholeness are often reported.
The Ayahuasca experiences that i share, are highly personal. The processes brought about by Aya are different from person to person and from time to time.
Please take great care to find a trusted and experienced guide and drink Ayahuasca in a devoted ritual. Your physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing are precious and worth nourishing and protecting.
Struggle
Before drinking Ayahausca, i secretly loved to dance… but on the dance floor, i felt i wasn’t really ‘good’ at it. I used to feel quite self conscious. I had a hard time dancing to the beat because steps worked out differently than i had intended them. My moves didn’t look as sexy or smooth as the ones you see in video clips.
Presently, every vessel in me knows that that’s all perfectly fine. But back then, i felt differently. In retrospect, dancing used to be more of a struggle than the pure experience of pleasure and flow that i now know.
The way your body tells you to
Drinking Ayahuasca creates space to experience and approach situations differently than before. It has the ability to break mental and physical patterns, even long-existing ones, and thus opens us up to the endless array of possibilities that exist in any moment.
“And now, slowly, we start to dance.
But here, we dance not as we do in the disco.
We dance the way our bodies tell us to.”
I will never forget these words. They were spoken by our Ayahuasca guide as we were approaching the end of our workshop. The experience of the day had made me open, light, cleansed of fears and worries and burdens.
Listening to his words, it became unmistakably clear to me: there can be no other way of dancing, than the dance i make in this moment, nor should there be. There is no ‘better’ movement than the one which is here, right now. No more judgement, no more fear, no more expectation.
Clumsiness and flow
When you see me dance, you’ll see clumsiness. You’ll see steps off the beat and unsexy shaking to release tension in my shoulders or hips. There may be plump grounding bounces or strange pulsing movements. And then, in those precious moments when all tension has been released, you’ll see pure flow.
When i’m dancing, my body is not just moving through the air, it’s riding waves of invisible impulses. It is being danced. And even in this space, thoughts of judgement or doubt may come up. I weave them into the dance, and often, they’ll make me smile with the intense gratitude that comes with awareness that is fully open.
I know of no more beautiful and liberating act in this world than dancing. It is the biggest gift i could have received.
And now, in the comments, i’d be happy to hear from you. Do you love to dance, or is something holding you back?
This is a sign of true freedom: if you know that you are home wherever you find yourself to be, even when there is nothing that’s ‘yours’ anymore.
A few years ago, i was couchsurfing in Bilbao. My host Gonzalo rented a furnished apartment, nothing inside was really his. All his belongings fit in his ‘professional’ traveller’s bicycle gear. Amazing. To my mind, he was free. He inspired me so much.
And now it’s my moment to flap my wings and fly: two weeks ago the phone call came in that i need to move house soon. Granted, i’m only moving 50 metres and will stay within the same building – but still it’s a big shift.
For here & now is the moment where i let go of all burdersome items (called clutter), to be left only with the bare essentials of my life. Which, to be honest, i think are only clothing, kitchen stuff and the candles, pillows etc that make my home… homy.
With the move coming up and shortly after that a three month stay in Thailand (i know, it’s sad..), decluttering is my priority for the coming two weeks. It’s a practice in letting go. And more letting go, and even more letting go… until there’s nothing to hold on to anymore.
Very early this morning, after just four hours of sleep, i woke up filled with inspiration. Got up at six to draw some mindmaps. The essence:
(Re)create healthy habits. Journal (on it right now). Get people involved (dito).
Yesterday was a turning point
Yesterday, following an unpleasant weekend, i found myself at a party feeling lost. I went home yearning for peace and quietness.
It’s been a long time since i felt this way. What happened?
For some weeks now, i have been feeling increasingly off-balance. Eating not-so-healthy foods, hardly exercising or practicing yoga, disregarding my feelings and loading myself with work didn’t help.
I went to the party and felt a bit overwhelmed with the whole happening. When i needed to back away, i couldn’t. The sharpness of my soul crying for some space and the utter inability to change my own behavior felt devastating. I was alarmed by my own absence of centeredness and willfulness. It woke me up: something needed to change.
My body was shaking with sadness and anger undealt with in the weeks before. I felt an urge to move and cry. The friends whom i shared it with, were of great support. Roald asked me what it was i needed (‘a strong presence to rest in’), and invited me to envision what it would be like to find this within myself. Toby invited me to spend a day in nature with him. Ronja hugged me softly and told me she loved me.
I feel so incredibly rich to have friends like them.
What is it you really like to do?
A few hours earlier, on that Sunday early evening while i was doing some work sitting on the couch, my love Marco* had asked me: “Tell me, what is it that you really, REALLY like to do in life?”
I couldn’t find an answer! I just forgot. I felt worthless, agitated, tired. And still, i kept on working.
When i finally closed my laptop and was alone for a bit, only then some space emerged.
Suddenly, the movement came automatically: i opened Spotify, played some music, got up and danced into my little kitchen.
Cook! I love to cook.
Some inspirators
The past few weeks weren’t all that bad! I have met wonderful people and worked on some pretty cool projects.
Paul Ricken
One of them is Paul Ricken’s new website (now live at Paulricken.nl). Paul had lost his mojo for a while and then found it through a friend who read him a poem. This experience unleashed an unstoppable amount of energy and the ability to create ideas and content like never before. Working with Paul has inspired me to start to journal regularly and share the process with YOU.
Rita Zeelenberg
Then there’s Rita Zeelenberg, the owner of Mindful Eten (Dutch for Mindful Eating, we’re in the process of a big website restyling and addition of some very cool new features). Rita is a smart and committed professional and writes great articles. For you Dutchies: here’s her blog that inspired me this morning before i started to write this very post: 11 psychologische doetips voor je eetgedrag.
Marileen Arbouw
Next, there’s Marileen. My beloved princess-cookie-friend with whom i catered many a dish (vegan, organic, gluten-free, colorful & delicious) for groups of meditators and soul travelers. Yesterday, she published her website Marileenarbouw.nl which showcases her amazing artistic design and food creation talents. She got me all bubbly and full of inspiration to finish and publish this website (the one you’re reading right now).
Toby Sebastian
And then: Toby. When i’m around him, my heart opens and random thoughts dissolve into deep understanding. Toby just moved from England to The Netherlands and will be sharing his awakened insights in informal get-togethers, breathing life into a new project (including website) featuring today’s most valued spiritual teachers. (Update! Toby’s website is now live at tobysebastian.org.)
Wow, right?
Living a life in tune with your deepest values is easier when you surround yourself with people already living theirs. And i am so lucky to say there is an abundance of inspirators in my life.
Creating habits for a healthy, conscious, minimal, joyful, connected, meaningful life of abundance and freedom is something i (will) write about regularly. Sharing experiences and growing up in public ;).
Do you feel like joining in or just giving me a thumbs up? Let me know in the comments which habits you’d like to create for yourself and WHY.
Thanks!
* Update: things change and now years later, Judith and Marco are no longer together as a couple. We are still close friends.
“What if you are not nearly as limited as you were led to believe? What if you are vast enough to hold and contain all of life’s energies, the ‘positive’ and the ‘negative’? What if you are beyond both, an ocean of consciousness, unified, boundless and free, in which even the deepest despair has a resting place?
What if your depression was simply your infinite intelligence calling you back Home, in the only way it knew how?
Your melancholy may contain natural medicine.”
From:
Jeff Foster: Falling in Love With Where You Are
CONFESSION: I loooove tattoos. My mother still believes it’s the influence of my love, Marco. But I think we just share our wish to ‘be naughty’ and paint our bodies in many colors of the rainbow, paying symbolic tribute to the beliefs, values and insights we hold dearly in life.
There are some questions around it arising in me at times: is this tattooing a thing of holding on, of identifying, of trying to create a story of me for myself or the outside world…? Or is it, as a friend put it: a shamanic practice, serving spiritual development? Or is it just play?
[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”]The girl you see in this photo: I am absolutely in love with her body and the creativity she expresses through it.Is my naked skin sacred and am I harming my mother’s gift to me as I came into this world by putting ink into it…? Or is life one big painting brush and my skin one of the many possible canvases?
And although I don’t intend to be all covered in tattoos, I do like expressing some of the teachings that have meant a lot to me in my life, through the canvas of my skin.
Whether there’s only this one life or many others will follow, I choose in this one to play around a bit.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]
